Date:	2005-12-19 11:33
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	contemplative

í am a really nice person, honestly. even, too nice. i'm a push-over. there is one thing i'm NOT a push-over about, and that's sex. because i am definately, no doubt in my mind, waiting till'he puts a damn ring on my finger before he gets any. jerks. i refuse to put out. so what, if a guy takes you to a movie, and dinner, you don't owe him sex. who cares if he spent 80 dollars on ya. u may think i'm a bitch when i say this, but

the only thing I ""owe"" a guy for spending 'who the crap cares how much money',is a,

"Thank you. I had a great time."

i don't owe him a kiss. i don't owe him a hug. i mean, whos to say i wouldn't hug him, or maybe kiss, but i am not OBLIGATED to do anything. in cindy's book. lol.

but seriously, think about it, there are so many STDs out there. it's just disgusting. i don't want to take that risk. that's like saying, put a blindfold on, and dip your hand in three cups, one has poison that will eat your arm off, and disnegrate your body AND KILL U, and the other two are empty/clean/whatever.

another thing, when your on your honeymoon, having the best time of your life, in that condo overlooking the sunset beautifully painted across the sky on the beach, sun reflecting off the water, and you've just made love for the very first time. wouldn't that be so special? what would your husband want to hear?

(what cindy can actually say): Baby, no-one has ever touched me before. i saved myself for you. and i love you so much, you have made me so happy.

or...what some loser little tramps can say.."Baby, no-one has ever touched me...except your cousin last week"

i mean, c'mmon. honestly, truth-fully, which would you rather hear from your wife, whom you are supposed to be committed to for all eternity?

sorry to go all deep there, but that's just how i feel.

but i am a freak. no-one else is gonna wait. i know my friends have already been with 10 gazillion people. too many to count, or remember, much less..

i agree that i feel left out on a lot of conversations, but still, i'm not an idiot. it's not like i don't watch movies. c'mmon.

if you had to do it over again, would you have waited? most people say no, and u probablly will too, and that's okay. i'll still b cool with that.. but think about it, what would you rather hear from your wife after u had sex? the first sentance, or the second one?

my theory is, if you want the best, you have to be the best.. and by being the best, that means staying pure until your wedding night. that is so important to me, i just can't emphasis it enough.

always~cindy

P.S. like, a lot of people, they view my profile on myspace (www.myspace.com then search for me by my e-mail address Memoriesnevrend@aol.com or by my display name: Sorry for September), and they r like, o, she's a hoe, i wanna tap dat. but, i'm not. so.. ya

Date:	2005-11-09 21:13
Subject:	*Brandon*
Security:	Public
Mood:	hopeful

dude, i know what your thinking, and no, i haven't dropped off the face of the earth.

i just met..him.. *Brandon* aww.. he's so cute. here's the stats:

Shaggy Black Hair (nah, he's not emo)
Tall.. I'd say 6'1 maybe
Slim (duh, i'm scared of fat ppl ^_^ !)

oohh.. and the way he dresses -gasp- so hott. totally diggin the cut up jeans thing. and polo shirts-ya, he's got it goin on.

Now i don't have to come home, only to sleep the rest of the night and be miserable. brandon has helped me so much. really. i was so down on myself for the longest time. i like wouldn't even care what i looked like. or get ready for school. i mean, there got to a point when i just wore a t-shirt and jeans everyday. it was sad.

soo.. for the record we have been "oficially" dating since Oct. 30th, my b-day. Soo.. like a week and 4 days.. :P yay.

-cindy

on friday...i got flowers! for no reason what-so-ever! Isn't that the greatest? I was like.. so why did u get me flowers? and he says, "oh.. i was just thinking about you this morning" then i said, "aww.. i feel so special" and he reassures, "you should because you are" How sweet? -faint smile-

yay.

i went to the game on friday nite with Gabi, Darell (sorry Darell, i know i really butchared your name), Stephen, Spencer, Sarah Petty, and Hannah (who i gave a ride). Bearden vs. Farragut. heck ya. it was freakin awesome. i loved it, all those hot dudes with their shirts off, and they were paitned blue & silver (school colors)! After the game me and Hannah and Darell hopped the fence (i needed a lift, lol), then ran onto the field...not to congradulate the team though.. well, at least that's not why i ran onto the field. i ran out there for the heck of it. hehe. i'm hopeless.



oh and one last thing

tonite is the nite -smirk- if u know what i mean

Date:	2005-09-08 18:58
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	weird

i made dinner tonight ^_^

rice..and..ummm... ya. rice. hehe.

school isn't so bad. don't get me wrong, i hate it, but now it's bearable. i just sleep through most of the boring classes anyways. at the beginning of this year i was all: ya, i'm gonna buckle down and s-t-u-d-y and do all my h-o-m-e-w-o-r-k. but now i'm like to heck with that. lol. i mean, i try a little..but nothing spectacular.

i talked to stephanie today. she got her hair cut..really REALLY short.

alley (my new lhasa apso puppy) is DRIVING ME INSANE! she barks. she whines. she howels.
i hold her. she cries.
i set her down. she cries.
i pet her....she screams!
can't i do anything right!?

last nite i talked to walt till 2 am.
i don't really know whats going on.
i think it's too soon for us to hang out again.
he just needs to get back with his *lover*
and have me as a friend.
obviously that's all i'm good for. now.

Date:	2005-09-05 21:56
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	discontent

bought the yellowcard cd.
friggen awesome.

i dyed my hair black today.
it suits my mood.

i'll post pics on my myspace later..maybe?

when my brother first saw it, he said, "oh my gosh..cindy.. u look... really weird"

then to top it off, dad goes, "don't you think cindy has enough mental problems as it is? tell her your sorry"

-frowns- yeah.. if the first statement wasn't bad enough.

COMMENT: I can always count on my family to make me feel REAL good. -sarcasm-

my phone is being gay. my text messaging was not working right so i called the people, and they fixed it, then i got like 35 text messages all at once, and some had been sent days ago. it kinda pissed me off, because i got mad at albert because he didn't text me, when he did. i was "supposably" going to his football game, but then i didn't because i thought he was ignoring me.. actually he did text me.

stoopid phones.

me and mom went out to the middle of no-where and bought another Lhasa Apso puppy. DAYTON TENNESSEE HAS NOTHING. they have like a taco bell, sonic, and 1 shopping center. and the people in rockwood do NOT know how to drive. they were physcos. mom kept joking that we were gonna go to Jack the Ripper's house, who was posing as a dog breeder...and he was gonna murder us. lol. i said, hmm.. maybe it wouldn't be that bad. (just kidding of corse.) I named her Alley. she was $375. she's cute. brown, white, and black. not too shabby.

well..i'm tired. but there's some good news(!) i will b online more often now, since i have no life.

Date:	2005-08-30 19:34
Subject:	goodbye
Security:	Public
Mood:	distressed

Tonight is the end, and the beginning. I always made the first move, the first kiss, the first hug, there were lots of firsts for me, as our relationship progressed. I'm not saying I regretted anything, in the least, but actually there was one thing that i do wish i could have taken back: Trusting Him.

I never stalked him, checked up on him, tried to form what he was doing in my head, called his friends, or got obsessive... I guess that's where i messed up. At first glance, I thought we would last, stay together, "work", but little did i know, it wouldn't "work-out", and it didn't. Maybe it just hasn't sunk in yet...

I'm okay. I really am. I KNOW he is okay, lately him and Kelsey (his ex girlfriend) have been spending a lot of time together. This must be his way of deciding what he wants... now he shouldn't have any problem since Kelsey is his only option.

Today i felt sick. really, really, really sick. I have no clue why i have this sudden illness, maybe it;s god's way of saying I feel terrible the way things are, so if i fix everything, try to make it ok, let Walt go... then i will heal, and get better. I miss him already, though he's not yet gone. Instead of calling to break the news, I will just cry myself to sleep and silently ignore his calls..text messages.. and the awesome poster he got me, which now hangs above my bed. i may take it down.. i love it though.. but it causes problems. just when i think i'm over him, i'll walk into my room, and see it, and b depressed again.

The reason why i don't call him is simple, it takes away the pain of hearing his voice. i know what he's gonna tell me, so i don't wanna hear it.

"I'm with kelsey now. sorry cindy. it just didn't work out with me and you, so i resorted to cheating on you.

you couldn't ever give me what she gave me."

they say you never forget your first love, so i guess that's why he wants her back so bad.

i wasn't the bad person.

i didn't do anything wrong.. *whimpers*

thinking back now. he lied to me.

i asked him how he loved me.. and he lied to me.

he told me he loved me as a future wife.

:(

I haven't even had to igonore his calls, because he doesn't call.

Maybe it was my haircut, my lips, my braces, my weight, my smile, or even my kiss...which ever it twas I'll tell you this:

Tonight i close on this:

I am a failure, once again, but this time I've lost my boyfriend.

Date:	2005-07-12 15:07
Subject:	suicide of a friend
Security:	Public
Mood:	depressed

he killed himself. why? over a girl.. or that's what the investigators are saying at least.

last night i changed my voicemail, turned off my phone, and sat there; numb.
1:55am the home phone rings. tis jordan with no comfort for me. instead, she pushes me to talk about "my condition". i don't have a condition! 'cindy, seriously, i care about you, and you need to seek treatment' AKA: YOU NEED TO BE FAT.

of course i need fat. you need a certain amount of the stuff to live.
oh, but i hate it.
to be fat is to be an outkast.

to tell you the truth, i never thought i'd be one to fall into that whole thing.

jordan, don't you understand?
i DID put on weight. made them happy, made them i was all better.
just like that.
i'm all better. look at me.

only i'm not.
at first, after i gained the weight back, i was only waiting for the chance.
when eyes are shifted away from me.
when they weren't watching to make sure i'm eating.
i planned on losing it all over again.

it was an obsession. but now i'm more okay then i'll ever be.

it's weird, one day i'll eat all normal, and eat a donut, or just ya know, 3 regular meals...
but then the next day it's a totally different story. can't explain it.

so last night... i slept, and i dreamed, and i was so frightened. suicide.

Date:	2005-07-07 22:26
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	restless

hey everyone.
i'm here. obviously.

i haven't writtin in this stupid thing in like forever. i guess nothing interesting has happened in my life. no i think i use this stupid web site to write down all me feeling so i won't bottle them up and freek out on someone. Hmm.

i chilled at jordan's today, her mom was just thrilled to have me over...again. what? i can't help it if i don't like my house. and it's her own fault she can't come here anymore.

i met this cool guy named walt :) we had the most hillarious convo last night...till 3am. wow. pretty sweet, huh? seems to be nice.. haha, watch him never call me again. we'll see how this goes.

the weather has been cooling off, or is supposed to be. i'm really not ready for winter yet. i hate cold weather *shivers* i've been soo busy with school and stuff lately. Jason is totally into alll the same bands as me. i really like him, and i told one of my friend's i liked him, now she's went and told him..and i was aggrivated. but i guess that's what girls do to each other. i don't like that girl anymore, because she really pisses me off. she wouldn't like it if i told her crush that she liked him.. that's not fair. i should go do that, but i'm not that type of mean person.

so, anyways, Jason sat with me at Lunch today, because she told him i liked him. i mean, we had talked before for like 3 hours.. but i dunno. what if he doesn't like me? what if he thinks i'm too young? he's a junior. what if he has a girlfriend? i just didn't want him to know that i had a crush on him. now the whole student body is gonna know. crap. oh well.. i screwed up. i feel real embarrassed and reatrded now. blah..

Date:	2004-09-09 21:00
Subject:	*JASON*
Security:	Public
Mood:	optimistic

i joined a volunteer club at school. i love it. today, we went outside, and we "weeded" a garden. not..lol.
we stood around and talked! then the teacher came out there, so everyone started pulling up pieces or grass and throwing them around. it was hillarious.

i met this *wonderful* guy named Jason. he is soo hot, and he is soo hot. wait..did i say that twice? oh yeah, and the best personality EVER. we instantly clicked.

after the club meet was over, he asked if i had a ride home. (he has a car...too cool)

"i can give ya a ride..that is..if you trust me" *evil laugh*

haha, he cracks me up. and he plays guitar in his "band" or whatever. awesomeness. we are going to burn each other cds.

P.S. i am immune to hunger..

Date:	2004-09-08 22:52
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	rushed

crap. i failed my english quiz, and my math quiz. cindy, get ahold of yourself.

gary, please, let me go.

tyler, you suck, leave me the hell alone.

kevin, i wish i could make things better.

adam, stop calling every 5 seconds.

jimmy, your smile and wink thing is really corny.

and everyone else, goodnight...and hugs.

Date:	2004-09-03 17:34
Subject:	guy problems part 2
Security:	Public
Mood:	guilty

i'm not that smart. and today proved it...i made a 67 on my algebra test. crap.

hell i know i am not completely mature and i don't really want to be. but i fake it enough to the point where it seems pretty good.

but when i was walking home from school josh hugged me. it was creepy. he's never done that before. haha, i think he wants something.

Date:	2004-09-03 16:38
Subject:	guy problems
Security:	Public
Mood:	intimidated

gary can't get over me. he e-mails me every night. and he attacks me with IMs every single time i logg on. example a:

i dont know why you signed off when i was going to say this but i was wondering,,,,,,,,,, if,,,,,,,,, mabe sorta kinda,,,,,,, you wanted to call us "official" it may seem a little weird, but i have fallen for you so
much already,,,,,, well, almost the second i saw you. uhh.... now that the awkward part is over,,,,,,, call me tommorow after i get home from work...if your not going to be online... i get out of school at 2 so maybe i will try calling your dads house at about 3:45 i hope you get home then anywayz

My heart shall weep until it sees thee again, Gary

i, personally think he is love-sick. and i pitty him. he wrote me a poem too. i am awful for not dating him. i have to give him credit for being slick.

BUT HE PISSED ME OFF! he counted the number of times i said ASS one day..weird. creeps me out.

Name: Gary
Hair Color: blonde
Height: 5'12
Your thoughts first waking up: "i hope cindy calls"

Date:	2004-09-02 21:09
Subject:	art club
Security:	Public
Mood:	creative

i joined the art club. it's every Tuesday and Thursday after school. seems pretty amusing.

let me inform you who don't get the e-mails: "If you missed last Tuesday's meeting, we have begun smoke drawing. Sounds cool, eh? Please bring candles tommorrow (not tea lights), and we will continue the smoke drawing process.

rock on, and goodnight everyone!

Date:	2004-09-02 21:03
Subject:	same bitch
Security:	Public
Mood:	furious

okay, wherre to start.. this stupid lady from my neighborhood rolled down her window this morning, and asked me, "DOES YOUR DAD KNOW WHAT YOUR WEARING?"

and i was like, "yeah..duh.." (a normal freakin pair of shorts, gawsh!!)

and she goes, "i wouldn't have it...if my daughters showed their beautiful legs like that.."

then i was like, "well, dad knows i'm wearing this"

sandy goes off saying, "in middle school you weren't allowed to wear shorts like that."

i was getting real aggrivated. she then PROCEEDS with, "i bet your dad didn't even see you walk out the door this morning. he was probablly taking a shower.."

THE NERVE!

Date:	2004-08-29 19:07
Subject:	homework
Security:	Public
Mood:	annoyed

let's throw another logg into the fire....wouldn't it be awesome to burn every book in the universe? i would rather saw off my leg then to read a chapter book.

i was "supposed" to write a speech on 'books', and that's what i have so far. help me please, i'm stuggling.


whatever. my knee hurts. blah.

Date:	2004-08-28 12:17
Subject:	...and your reading this because?
Security:	Public
Mood:	crappy

saw "The Butterfly Effect" last night. i mean wow it was so amazing.

broke up with gary. i dunno..he just wasn't my type. and he was 18 years old. blah..

i had an ultra sucky day today. so far. me and drew got into a fight, and i cussed him out, and he was still being an asshole. then i got pissed, and went outside for a few hours to cool off. destroy my memory of extreme hate for him. and gave me time to think. think about lots of things..how much i feel alone at high school is probablly at the top of my list.

this whore from my gym class was laughing at me for some reason on friday, and then all her friends did too. she said my frikken gym clothes didn't match. i had red soffe shorts on, and a blue shirt with red writing. i think it matched. what a bitch.

BTW, one of my friends (you know who you are) hasn't talked to me in what seems like ages. i wish he would e-mail me again, or talk, or anything. i miss that.

but then again, i can see his reasoning.

Date:	2004-08-24 21:15
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	amused

on sunday i went to church with Gary again. they had an ever better chistian band this time!

then we went to the mall, and his friend adam came along too. adam acts half gay, but he's really sexy, so that makes up for it. gary paid for my lunch, i ate at Panda Express. the guys ate at taco bell. stuffed their faces too, lol. you would have thought they hadn't eaten in years.

it was steve's b-day today! *gives him balloons* everyone make sure to tell him he is soo special!

i saw this guy at Kroger (the grocery store), and then i saw him at school too. i think he likes me. hmm..

my high school schedule:
Algebra 1
English 1 CP
Gym
Lunch
Speech

Date:	2004-08-20 22:55
Subject:	da movies..da movies..yay!
Security:	Public
Mood:	good

him:what movie do ya wanna see on sunday?
me: i dunno, anything
him: you pick, i don't care
me: what do you wanna see?
him: you know what i really wanna see?
me: what??
him: you

aww!! he loves me..lol. soo..i'm going to the mall and the movies. hopefully. if all goes well and we don't get into an argument before then, lol.

met a guy named jimmy at school. i've been sitting with him at lunch. no more gay peoples..lol, that i don't know are gay. obviously, i should have took the hint with that pink shirt he was wearing. and those goofy sunglasses his boyfriend had. gross! geez..i mean, that is disgusting. *pukes*

me and my mom won universal studios tickets for free! awesomeness!

my fish got sick and died. fishie funeral. i realized how much i miss him when he's not on my dresser anymore. i used to think he was a pain to take care of, and i hated cleaning his tank... but i loved him. good fish. i really am bad with animals.

i got my haircut! cut it myself, but it looks awesome! i luff it! i have bangs now...oh so cute.

i curled my hair this morning, woke up early, found my bible, dug it out, dusted it off. shame on me, lol.

i went to church with Gary this morning.
it was fun.
his church was not boring and judgemental, or money-hungry..just a great place to be at. lots of teens, free donuts. lol. (yeah right, like i would ever eat those *wink wink*) they even had a christain band. they were awesome.

Gary brought me a rose too. how sweet.. he wants me to go to the mall with him next weekend. maybe i will get to, i dunno.

i hate high school. i was in gym, and our teacher is soo lazy. all the other gym classes were playing games, or streatching.. and we were just sitting there until one girl asks, "aren't we supposed to be excercizing or something?" everyone laughed, so the teacher says, "okay everyone, stand up, and go run around the track" soo..we did-just that. we had to run around the track for 1 hour and 30 mintues. i was about to pass out from not eating for soo long too. my lunch is at 1:30! what is up with that!?

high school-STARVE THE CHILDREN

then i had a horrible migrane headache for an hour after lunch. and i didn't know anybody at lunch. there must have been 400 people eating lunch there, and i didn't know one of them. i suck.. i bet this happen again tomorrow too. i ended up sitting with these guys i didn't know, and they had stuck-up girls beside them, and i didn't talk much.